It is an Act of Kindness

In my early 20's I met Dan O'Leary. Right away I realized there was something different about him. At first, I mistook him as confrontational, later on, I realized he was showing me kindness.

In my youth, I believed the way you dealt with hurt feelings, was to talk about them.

When I had a problem with someone, whether they had intentionally or unintentionally hurt me, I would work it out, by talking it out.

So, if Bobby said something mean to me, I would go directly to Franky and tell him all about it. I would explain why I was hurt or mad. I would tell in detail how they had done this before; and perhaps even mention how they likely did this to others as well.

I walked away feeling validated and empowered. I was right to be upset, and now I had a witness who agreed with me.

I was determined to avoid becoming an unhealthy person who keeps everything in.

Okay, back to Dan. We met in El Paso while I volunteered as Youth Pastor, and Dan was a board member.

It wasn't long after I met Dan that he did something completely unexpected. Dan approached me, and talked to me about something I did that offended him.

He said it right to my face.

He had chosen a time where no one else was around. He also said it kindly, in fact the content of our conversation was extremely positive. Yet I still couldn't believe he talked to me face to face.

It felt so foreign. I felt like I should be upset, but I walked away feeling encouraged. It was very confusing.

In Matthew 18:15 it says, "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother."

I had read this verse so many times, but I honestly never considered trying it. It seemed impossible. Yet, Dan had applied this to our relationship, and I was okay with it. I actually trusted and appreciated him more, I felt safer around him.

As the next couple years went by, Dan would take the opportunity to say something when needed, and I grew to expect it.

One day, during a time in my life I wish I could erase, Dan spoke one of the hardest things I ever had to listen to.

It wasn't mean or rude, but it was hard to hear. The heart of what he said was, "It doesn't matter what you say Daniel, it matters what you do".

His statement changed my life. I became determined to live the life God had called me to. I was tired of only talking about change, and never changing.

I have come to call Dan a dear friend, and a mentor. More than that, I have chosen to apply Dan's way of living Matthew 18, to my own life.

When I am upset or hurt, I talk it out, to work it out. The difference is, now I talk with the person I have an offense with. I also encourage others to do the same for me.

When people look quizzically at me during these conversations, I understand why. I remember feeling the same way.

Most people want to be nice to others, so they don't say anything when they are hurt; or they don't say anything directly. The problem is, silence is not the definition of nice.

If you are a believer like me, this isn't how God directs us to live. If we want to be good to people, we need to tell them the truth.

Tell them as kindly as you can. Tell them they did something that hurt you. You will find in the end, it is an act of kindness.